It is fascinating to me how sometimes the judgments we make about ourselves when we are young carry over into our adult life. One of those events for me happened when I was 4 years old. My parents took me and my sister to church every Sunday from the time I was born. I can truly say that I cut my teeth on the church pews.
It was Christmastime and the annual preschool percussion band was on stage to tap their blocks of wood, clink their metal triangles, and shake their tiny tambourines to "Away in a Manger," a shameless display of raw talent. My role in this lovely and ultimately memorable pageant was that of Band Leader. The Sunday School teacher stood me on a folding metal chair, placed a wooden baton in my hand, a top hat on my head, and had me wave my hands to lead this delightful set of 3 and 4 year olds.
Based on the response of the crowd, our cover of this famous Christmas Carol, had it been recorded, would have taken its place in the annals of 10 Best Christmas Recordings of All Time. There was clapping and cheering and, in the embellished memory of my mind, whistles and calls of "Bravo!" and "Encore!"
There I was, in my red blazer with the emblem on the breast pocket and my top hat, hearing for the first time the siren call of an audience's applause. The teacher asked me to take a bow (a novel experience for me as a 4 year old as I had never bowed before and needed instruction on how to do it), which I did, leading to even more applause and, at least in my mind, a standing ovation from the crowd.
The reality of the situation was that four year olds are adorable. The judgment about myself that I took away was that pleasing adults has incredible benefits and I need to please them to feel good about myself. Thus began a long period of time in which, through my perception of myself, I focused on pleasing people as a way to feel significant.
It wasn't until I was in my mid thirties that I realized how focused I had become on the validation of others as a way to feel good about myself. It was a shock that led to a painful but beneficial insight about how I viewed the world. Gratefully, I was able to recognize that I am significant by just being human, that my gifts and flaws and talents make me the unique person that I am. I no longer tend to try to seek validation from others through pleasing them (at least not as much as I did).
As a therapist, however, I see far more insidious judgments made by people who experienced extraordinary traumas leading to the beliefs that they have no value whatsoever, distorting their perceptions of self and of others and often living in a perceived reality that they have no significance and no worth whatsoever. These perceptions are things that are so often reinforced over and over again.
The truth? Every human being is significant. Sometimes horrible things happen to us. That doesn't change our significance. Asking "Why" is only natural. Making the judgment that "I must be bad" is false. We do not need to search for significance. We are significant by nature.
