How Does Trauma Impact Self-worth

I have been doing some research about the impact of childhood trauma in the lives of people who develop mental health problems. My interest for this is due to the high number of people I work with as an outpatient provider of counseling services who exhibit some pretty severe impairment in their daily lives and also reported childhood trauma. When they come to me and my colleagues they are struggling with depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders and self-harm. Most of them have real difficulties in relationships, as well. Here are some of the things I have come to understand about these individuals.

• Almost to a person, they see themselves as unworthy of love and mistrusting of others.
• They engage in some type of self-destructive behavior which, when you do some digging, seems to be a result of trying to avoid feeling something or thinking something. 
• Most of them are able to point to an event or events in their lives (usually their trauma) where they passed judgment on themselves and started to believe their abuse or trauma was their fault, or that they deserved it because they were "bad" or less valuable than those around them.

The research I am reading seems to confirm that the underlying problems they face from day to day, including many of their addictive behaviors, stem from the residual effect of being traumatized. This residual effect is that they have come to believe they have little or no value. "I am worthless" is repeated often and with deep conviction and belief. The result of this often repeated statement is, in my opinion, at the core of why healing and recovery is so elusive for many of them. 

I have come to believe that the deeper work of helping them re-write the stories they tell themselves is the most important work. I have also come to believe that this deeper work really has to be done in tandem with skills training so they can successfully stop their self-destructive and addictive behaviors because these behaviors are helping them avoid their feelings. 

The Percussion Band

It is fascinating to me how sometimes the judgments we make about ourselves when we are young carry over into our adult life. One of those events for me happened when I was 4 years old. My parents took me and my sister to church every Sunday from the time I was born. I can truly say that I cut my teeth on the church pews.
It was Christmastime and the annual preschool percussion band was on stage to tap their blocks of wood, clink their metal triangles, and shake their tiny tambourines to "Away in a Manger," a shameless display of raw talent. My role in this lovely and ultimately memorable pageant was that of Band Leader. The Sunday School teacher stood me on a folding metal chair, placed a wooden baton in my hand, a top hat on my head, and had me wave my hands to lead this delightful set of 3 and 4 year olds.
Based on the response of the crowd, our cover of this famous Christmas Carol, had it been recorded, would have taken its place in the annals of 10 Best Christmas Recordings of All Time. There was clapping and cheering and, in the embellished memory of my mind, whistles and calls of "Bravo!" and "Encore!"
There I was, in my red blazer with the emblem on the breast pocket and my top hat, hearing for the first time the siren call of an audience's applause. The teacher asked me to take a bow (a novel experience for me as a 4 year old as I had never bowed before and needed instruction on how to do it), which I did, leading to even more applause and, at least in my mind, a standing ovation from the crowd.
The reality of the situation was that four year olds are adorable. The judgment about myself that I took away was that pleasing adults has incredible benefits and I need to please them to feel good about myself. Thus began a long period of time in which, through my perception of myself, I focused on pleasing people as a way to feel significant.
It wasn't until I was in my mid thirties that I realized how focused I had become on the validation of others as a way to feel good about myself. It was a shock that led to a painful but beneficial insight about how I viewed the world. Gratefully, I was able to recognize that I am significant by just being human, that my gifts and flaws and talents make me the unique person that I am. I no longer tend to try to seek validation from others through pleasing them (at least not as much as I did).
As a therapist, however, I see far more insidious judgments made by people who experienced extraordinary traumas leading to the beliefs that they have no value whatsoever, distorting their perceptions of self and of others and often living in a perceived reality that they have no significance and no worth whatsoever. These perceptions are things that are so often reinforced over and over again.
The truth? Every human being is significant. Sometimes horrible things happen to us. That doesn't change our significance. Asking "Why" is only natural. Making the judgment that "I must be bad" is false. We do not need to search for significance. We are significant by nature.

Patient in Affliction

As I work with people the one thing that seems to come up often is, "What do I do with my distress and discomfort?" For many of them, the answer is, "Make it go away." Making it go away is typically accomplished by some type of self-destructive behavior, Addictions, eating disorder, self-injury behavior, emotional reactivity, all tend to help people avoid their discomfort and distressing feelings. The answer is not to develop skill to make the distress go away; that is what the behaviors do. The answer is to develop the ability to be distressed without becoming self-destructive. The Bible gives insight into this by stating we should "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12;12. Being "patient in affliction" as about learning to suffer well. Of course, this is easily said but not so easy to do. In fact, for many, it is one of the hardest things they will ever do. The one thing that seems to be true, though, is that the more you practice feeling distress and discomfort, the more you are capable of feeling it.

Seeing beyond the pain.

I just completed presenting at a convention of Christian Counselors talking about helping people grow spiritually through the pain of mental illness. What I have understood over the years that I watched people in the process of spiritual development is they tend to move from a self-centered existence toward a more other-centered and purpose-filled life. Experiencing the pain of mental and emotional problems tends to interrupt that process and pulls that persons eyes inward and away from any sense of meaning and purpose. I often think of ways to help that person see himself or herself in a new way, to overcome that tendency, to pull his or her eyes away from the pain and see things differently. In the end it is about helping one realize the value one has in the world and the purposeful life one can lead and the meaningful life that can bring.

The Power of AND

In my work as a therapist, one of the most destructive and recovery stalling words I hear my clients use is the word "BUT." Most of the time it is used to create a dichotomy in our thoughts and leads us to believe that we cannot do one thing because another is true. Let me give some examples. "I want to recovery but my family are all users." "I want to complete this task (go to school, get a different job) but my anxiety is so high." "I want to forgive that person but I am very angry."

What if we were to re-express those statements using the word "AND?" "I want to recovery and my family are all users." "I want to complete this task and my anxiety is high." "I want to forgive that person and I am very angry." Suddenly, the insurmountable becomes possible; the wall separating us from our desire becomes an obstacle in the road that we can see around and may just require us to swerve one way or another to get past.

Let's ride

Well, welcome to my blog. This is my first attempt at doing this. Let me start with the title of the blog "Where The Road Turns." It is in reference to the many twists and turns my life has taken and what came of those turns. Things can be going along straight and smooth when suddenly life takes a turn. It is how we manage those turns that determine where we go. My road led me through a life of ministry and then into counseling. It lead me from the doorsteps of an adoption agency to being a husband twice, a father, step-father, grandfather and a delighted owner (or keeper) of a dog and cat, neither of which I wanted. I am grateful for the opportunity of life. It is an amazing, sometimes crazy, occasionally scary, road trip. So, hop in the station wagon with me and let's ride!